My 2 Angels
I met my wife at University and it was love at first sight. We dated for several years and eventually got married in 2007. Soon after we decided to start trying to have a family. After a couple of years of no success we saw our GP who referred us to gynaecology. My wife had all the tests and got the all clear. I was diagnosed as having a low and lazy sperm count. We were told that we couldn’t get any support from the NHS because we’re both over weight according to the BMI chart.
But we kept trying and when I was having a really naff time my wife announced that we were pregnant. I was over the moon. I began clearing our spare room, getting it ready to become our nursery. We began looking at the furniture and baby buggies and began tracking our baby on the “what to expect when you’re expecting” app. When we first looked it said our baby was the size of an orange pip and the name stuck and our baby was forevermore known as Pip. Everything seemed to be going well and we were due to have our first proper scan when my wife told me that she was spotting, but because she worked with midwives they had arranged for us to be seen at the early pregnancy unit.
So we went in and sat with all the other scared looking couples. Eventually we got called and we went in and they gave my wife a scan. They quickly found the baby and it’s heartbeat and I wept like a child. They printed us out a picture of the foetus and we were seen by a midwife who said that spitting wasn’t uncommon and that my wife needed bed rest and that if it got worse then we needed to get up GP to do an emergency referral. When we got home I sent my wife up to bed, whilst I sat downstairs with my dogs and prayed. I’m not a religious man, but I would have given anything to have my prayer heard.
My wife spent the weekend in bed with me playing nurse maid. Then on the Monday morning she shook me awake and told me we needed to go to the doctors. We both got dressed and went and sat in the doctor's waiting room for 3 hours. We eventually saw a Dr who did the emergency referral to the EPU – but that wasn’t going to be till the next day. So we both went home knowing that something was wrong. The next day (5th November 2012) we went to EPU and had another scan and got told that everything was gone. The midwife gave us a leaflet called “you and your miscarriage” and told us to have better luck next time. We went home devastated. I rang round our friends and family and explained to them that we had lost the baby – we got lots of “better luck next time” responses.
My wife decided to go straight back to work the next time and really threw herself into her work. I began a downward spiral of depression and was put on medication and given CBT and REBT to try and help me get over the loss. Slowly over time my wife and I began to reconnect and we fell pregnant again late in 2013. This time we tried to withhold our excitement and not pre-plan anything until we knew we were in the clear. We were due to have our first scan early in the new year – but on Christmas day 2013 late in the afternoon my wife told me that she was experiencing heavy bleeding and that she thought she had lost the 2nd pregnancy. Yet again we were devastated and started to drift apart. My wife dived back into her work and began working shift patterns – so we often didn’t see each other for days on end; while I seemed to drift deeper into depression and began having night terrors and struggled to control my moods.
Since then my depression has gotten worse, I suffer from anxiety attacks and have been self harming – I’m undergoing Grief counselling and I’m being assessed for a personality disorder. My wife and I talk about trying again – but I am terrified that we will lose another pregnancy, and that fear combined with my medication has destroyed my sex drive.
Unfortunately it doesn’t stop me getting upset when stuff about friends having children or stories of children being neglected.
So that is my story – not a day goes by when I don’t think about the 2 toddlers I should have scampering around.